Category Archives: Damn youse

How (Not) To Write About Videogames


It is a question that has tortured many. Just how do you write about videogames? Well, do not worry. Writing about videogames is easy. All you have to do is avoid cliché.

So, here are some words and phrases that you should consider carefully. Sometimes, they are worth using because everyone knows (or seems to know) what they mean. Sometimes, you should delete them. But you should always think about it.

The Big Ones

Immersive. My childhood home had an immersion heater, which meant that any time you wanted a shower you had to put on the immersion and wait 100 hours for the water to heat. Does that sound immersive to you? Games that are immersive take you into their world and away from your own. Immersive is what all games want to be. But very few actually are.

Intuitive. A game is never intuitive but parts of it can be. Intuitive controls are great. But an intuitive user interface is boring. Intuitive fighting mechanics may sound excellent but describing the sound of a breaking bone as a punch connects to the ribcage of your foe may read better.

Games are often deep. How deep? It is difficult to say. Depth of a game is hard to measure because those who explore such depth can easily become lost. It is possible they are trapped in the game’s living, breathing world.

Gameplay annoys a lot of journalists. Arguably, it fills a gap in language for the concept: “moving bits of a game”. Players miraculously appear to understand what it means, even if editors and angry columnists can’t agree on a definition. If you don’t want to type gameplay, you can use mechanics. But you’ll just be replacing one overused word for another, slightly less overused one.

Visceral is a joke word. When a journalist uses the word visceral, they mean that the game is not very good. Or that the trailer for the game is not very good. Or that the marketing department for the game is not very good. Usually, when something is visceral it is an…

Experience. When was the last time you had a truly visceral experience? You probably earned some experience points. That’s fine. But filling a sentence with abbreviations like XP may have an effect on the reader’s AP and cause him to write to his local MP.

OR HERS. Do not assume the reader’s gender.

Content is important. If a game had no content it would be a completely empty game and the player would be discontent. Games with lots of content or even downloadable content are highly sought. If you are stuck, another word for content is stuff.

Marketing Loan Words

IP means Intellectual Property. Everybody loves new IP, and fresh IP is just as good. Established IP is a stonker because nobody can destroy it, not even with guns. If an established IP gets big enough, it might become a…

Franchise. The best franchises release new content onto the market for loyal consumers every year. If they did not do so, the loyal consumers would be not only discontent but also disenfranchised.

The Next Gen is what everyone was waiting for in 2013. It is currently 2014. Next Gen hardware is available now from certain retailers. But it is not yet current gen. That’s the last gen. To afford Next Gen hardware you may need to…

Monetise. The process of monetisation is going to increase your position well into Q1. Then you will be in a truly great position for Qs 2, 3 and 4.

Some other things you should probably avoid:

To be clear/Let’s be clear/Let’s be absolutely clear about this
This is a phrase used mainly by politicians who want to emphasise a point, in order to bolster the lie they are telling. When you use it, you sound like David Cameron.

Possibility space
What is a possibility space? I guess it is a space in which things are possible. There is another word for this. A space.

A not small amount of X / Not unlike Y / Not unenjoyable
A large amount of X. Like Y. Enjoyable.

Going forward / Going forward in this space
This is a phrase used by managers and people whose job is to boss others. It means ‘in future’ but also includes some vague implication of progress. The speaker believes this lends them a sense of authority and foresight. After all, they have seen the space into which we are going forward. Maybe it is a possibility space. Hopefully it is not an impossibility space. In reality, the person who says going forward is usually the asshole nobody wants to follow, forward or in any direction.

Note: To my shame, I have used some of these words and phrases myself. I hope to be forgiven someday. Until then, I can only post this as a guideline, so you can learn from my mistakes. The list isn’t a complete one. As always, break any rule of language if it makes you laugh.


Filed under Damn youse, Work!

A Letter to the New Statesman

[New Statesman had job opportunity couple months ago. Unpaid. Annoying. Wrote email to comment section and editors. No response. Nick Clegg now suddenly against this carry on. Lot of hypocrisy floating around. Even left-wing magazines out to rape youth. Must flee country. Letter follows…]

From: Brendan Caldwell
Date: Feb 03, 2011, 14:59
Subject: Internment

I am disappointed to discover that your magazine has recently advertised for an unpaid intern. Has the New Statesman editorial staff suddenly had a collective attack of explosive amnesia? Or did they always have an exploitative attitude towards the youth?

Internships like this restrict the best jobs to those who can afford to spend months without being paid. And – as you should know – unpaid work for a profitable, non-charitable company lasting longer than three weeks is against minimum wage legislation.

Considering the opinions of several NS journalists on poor social mobility in the UK and their sympathy for the youth movement, what sense does it make to exploit young people’s desperation for good jobs? Kinda hypocritical. Aye. I went there. Wanna fight about it? ‘Course you don’t. What you want to do is publish this comment as a demonstration of transparency.

Failing that, would you kindly pay your workers?

Brendy Caldwell,
Northern Ireland

1 Comment

Filed under Damn youse, Politics

The Internment of Youth


[Rejected from two more job apps. Depression alleviated next day by buying olives. Olives are lovely. Good food promotes good mood. TV said that. An article pitch rejected. Idea taken by editor pitched to. Devastated. Also ran out of olives. Double devastated. Graduate life is difficult.

Why do the big people make young people do bad things? Oh no. Triggered all-boys Catholic school flashback. Must go. Feeling unwell. Article follows… ]


Something untoward has happened to us. The youth have graduated into a harsh climate of injustice, passed from the womb of university into triage, onto the fetid floor of an internment camp, an internment camp that will take most of us months, a year, maybe years to escape.

Unpaid internships are illegal. The Institute for Public Policy Research says so. Profitable organisations that hire unpaid interns seem to think that what they are doing is okay, so long as both parties agree no payment will be received. The lawful reality is that Minimum Wage legislation states it is illegal even if some shake-o-the-hands occurs, and even if the position boasts “Expenses paid! Your lunch free! Your bicycle wheels funded!”

A degree is not enough anymore. Are you young? Are you on the Earth? How many times have you heard those words? A degree is not enough anymore. We have worked for three, four, possibly more years, on the advice of our school teachers and parents who specifically parroted each other when they cawed “Get a degree. Get a job. A degree’s the man. A job’s the plan.” So let’s do it. Three, four, more, years and a saunter round Europe with a backpack of debt, eating our overdraft(s) out of plastic containers with the salt piled on to cover up the bitter taste and make us want to drink more (not difficult).

I applied for a job as Media Development Officer at the University of Sheffield, a position involving teaching students the technical and legal aspects, etc of running the student paper. A student paper I spent 3 years getting to know in various aspects. A couple of other people I knew applied at the same time, and these people alone were talented enough to blow me right out of the pool. Despite spending 3 years working on various parts of the student media and getting to know it a little bit here and there, I did not even get to the interview stage. I don’t know if any of my more experienced friends did either. Mary Anne Hobbs got the job. BBC Radio 1 DJ. 14 years experience. Of course Mary Anne Hobbs would get the job. This is fair enough. I’m only demonstrating that these are the kind of people we, the youth, are up against in the job stakes, not counting the 69 other applicants just recently graduated. Mary Anne had no want of experience; she was working hard while we were still fucking around with our power rangers.

So now they say a degree is not enough. Get over the shock, they say. Deal with it. Okay, okay, so what’s the plan, what’s the man? An internship, I think you’ll find Johnny. Will you get paid? Heavens to Barclays, you certainly will not. But think of that lovely CV bolster you’ll get for two or three months work with the big men.

Pardon me, but three, four, more, years ago that is exactly what you said about a degree. The youth have no guarantee of a job, internship or not. Perhaps once the months of unpaid work rack up we might stand on a level playing field. But right now the playing field is unlevel and all the men with baseball bats are wearing suits with name tags that read “Hello, my name is BONEFUCKER.”

Here comes the problem. It is one that is dealt with elsewhere more eloquently and more righteously than it is on these shores. That is the following: for want of experience, we cannot hope to get experience. The big companies and publications know this, the savy rascals, and they have cornered the job market – sorry – the non-job market. They are the guards who spit on the interned. The ones that man the watchtowers, that shine the spotlight on us in ‘internviews’ and tell us to dress up nice and dance. Pretty, oh so pretty. They cornered the non-job market the same way they cornered the gap-year market, so now we end up paying recruitment agencies stupid amounts in fees to go and work or volunteer abroad. (When did we start having to pay fees in order to volunteer? Is that something that always happened?)

But what now? It is quickly becoming the case that some internships are demanding previous experience as an intern in similar environments when considering your application. So the Catch-22 became a Catch-222. And it so continues ad absurdum: for want of money, we cannot hope to get an internship, for want of an internship we cannot hope to get another internship, for want of our second internship we cannot hope to get experience, for want of experience we cannot hope to get experience, for want of experience we cannot hope to get money. The Catch-22,222.

The graduating climate is shafting the less well-off, no matter how clever, skilful or qualified they are. It’s not all champagne and Egyptians. Those graduating without a grand in their back-burner (quite a lot of us considering we are all in bloody debt) can’t afford to work for nothing. Nor should we.

The big dogs are particularly shaft-happy in the media. The Telegraph reported the above story about how unpaid internships are illegal. The next day they were advertising for the position of an unpaid intern to work alongside their design team for Telegraph magazine in London for four months. (“Your bike wheels pumped! Teabags on expenses!”). Oh, Telegraph, what are you like.

The climate goes beyond producing a blistering tundra with only internships in sight. The attitude that young people should be prepared to work for sweet Foxtrot Alpha has infected the freelance market. It has infected the film industry. It has infected marketing, banking, accountancy. It has infected law and it has infected the government – the two institutions we would like to hope to stand up for what is lawful do nothing but get on board the Great Rip-off Zeppelin. But wait, surely there is a body that will stand up for young people – the student unions! The National Union of Students even! The same student unions that proudly boasted “not for profit, just for students” while they over-charged for their Coca-Cola and their “University of Woooo!” hoodies? The same student unions that stood up so ineffectively against top-up fees? Admittedly not for lack of trying, the poor buggers. The Union officers have become ineffectual. Maybe it’s because, as a friend put it, most of them are career politicians, they want a job with one of the main political parties at the end of their time in “power”. What use is it ruffling the feathers of their superiors? They do not want a premature experience of the whip, something that would leave them all Tuckered out.

Especially when they are getting paid. These people, who are supposed to represent the young unpaid adults of the UK, are the only ones getting paid for their year-long internship. “It would look silly if we complained!” They are undeniably career politicians, born holding a briefcase. Inside the briefcase is a knife. It is for stabbing their way up the greasy, fleshy pole.

Observe the cynicism. We are young people. We shouldn’t be thinking things like this, should we? Of all the people in the world you would expect to have some idealism, some positivism left, surely it would be the youth. But no. This is it. Something untoward has happened to us. And now it is time to play the game. We all like playing games, don’t we? Clearly. This is the best one. The global interactive storytelling experience. 101% on Metacritic.

The Blame Game.

A month ago I got an email from a gaming website asking me for permission to republish an article. It was not a small website. I am certain it classifies as a profitable organisation. Yet when I asked if I got any money for it I was told it would just be the byline and a link to the original host – Resolution Magazine (a voluntary, for-the-love, website, where no-one gets paid). I took it. I took the byline. Where is the culprit?

It is me.

This is the most damning, the most tragic, heart-achingly idiotic thing about the entire unpaid internship/unpaid work market. It is our fault. We are taking the internships. We are taking the bylines. In our fever for recognition and our ambition to cut off the competition we are encouraging the practice, we are perpetuating that harsh climate – we are the Kapos to our own internment.

I loathe myself every time I think of the article I sold for nothing but – what? – prestige? Did I even get that? A line on a CV.

We cannot eat lines on a CV. We cannot pay the man or woman behind the counter at GAME with references. How far has it come that we have sidled up to the big publications, companies and organisations in order to screw over our fellow youth? When did the definition of ‘Mercenary’ read “someone who is willing to work for no remuneration”?

There is the problem. Now, I have a radical solution. Unpaid interns in the UK – Sue. Your. Employer. Or take them to an employment tribunal, rather. It’s been done before, successfully.

Oh wait. Lawyer’s fees. I forgot about those. Maybe you can recruit someone to represent you, on a no-win-no-fee basis? Oh, just recruit an intern on a no-fee-no-fee basis.

What they are doing is illegal. It is also not fair. And only some young people seem to be able to see it. Is it round? Is it square? What shape is this ‘not fair’? The government seems to be doing tits-all to get something done about it. The unions seem to be doing double-tits-all. The obvious way you can stop employers from taking advantage of young workers is to hit them where it hurts – their accounts departments. That delicate area is precisely the greedy appendage that is encouraging them to hire unpaid interns in the first place (no matter how wealthy they are). But even this COA is only open to those with cash. If anyone can find a way of taking this up without paying a lot – there are ways – then I suggest you go for it.

Think such a reactionary idea will only result in no internships for anyone? You think that because of the recession these big companies can’t afford to pay one more person the minimum wage? Get a grip (“Handlebar grips paid for you! Breaks oiled!”). They can afford it. And if they can’t, they are going to have to find a way to afford it. Because unpaid labour for a profitable company is unacceptable. And once they see that they are vulnerable to lawsuits they will have to start to offer paid intern positions. They won’t close up. They won’t stop offering internships. They need the youth, badly. We are the future. They need our ideas, our skills and our tea. If they do not comply, they will meet the future on their way down. And something untoward will happen to them.


Filed under Damn youse, Rejection